Five years and counting.
Well May 6th was the five year anniversary date of my original Pancreatic Cancer Tumor removal surgery. The mortality rate for this kind of cancer for people who have had my surgery, called the “Whipple Procedure”, is 96% at the five year mark.
That means that by still being able to witness the sunrise each day I am in the top 4% of patients. Makes me feel pretty lucky, hell I am lucky for sure. The fact that I came out of that surgery and actually woke up again, is a miracle in and of itself. Each day since then has been a gift and a blessing, though sometimes it feels like a curse.
I will never forget the feeling going into that surgery. I had made my peace with God, had a chance to see all my family once again and tell them how much I loved them. There are not many death scenarios do you get the opportunity to do that. If you get hit by a bus, you cant tell the bus to, “hold on while I make a few quick phone calls before you run me over, I need to tell my wife, family and friends I love them and how much they have meant to me”.
Having done all that and getting my mind right to accept the fact that I very well might never have another conscious thought after they start the Demerol drip, was a almost peaceful feeling. I was sad, but prepared, and gave myself a 50/50 chance of coming out of it, but I was ready and willing to accept any outcome. I did not say to anyone that I was honestly thinking 50/50, to help them not be scared I of course said I have 100% confidence of coming out OK, and I will see you in a few hours.
I guess I could try to explain it all day, but if you have never faced something like this you wont get it. Anyway long story short I was as ready as anyone can be to die. Pretty morbid, but that was the long and short of it.
Another thing I was grateful for was that I had the time to make sure Cindy knew what to do with all the life insurance stuff and had a chance to make out a will. I would urge each of you to get those types of things organized and prepared for the loved ones you will leave behind. I know it is hard to think about, but getting all those ducks in a row by asking yourself what she would do if I went today, will help out the survivors tremendously. Just take the time and do it. Go over it with your significant other or your kids, or your parents, whoever is going to be impacted most by your departure.
Then both of you can rest a little easier, knowing that you are not going to leave this person with the task of having to figure it all out alone, while trying to deal with the grieving process.
I want Cindy to have nothing to do but make a phone call or two to get the ball rolling on all these issues. They need to know all account numbers, passwords, bank accounts, investment accounts, insurance policies, agents’ names and numbers, all that business stuff. I am even going to coordinate as much of the funeral arrangements as possible in advance. So all she has to do is make one call and everything is already decided, they just make it happen. Then she can worry about herself, and not become a business manager the day her husband dies. That is just too much strain on a person.
Enough of my sagely advice, most of you are not going to take it anyway, but you will wish you had, on to the medical update.
The biggest news I have now is actually coming from my Dentist. After 15 years of going to him and have nothing but stellar checkups, no fillings or anything needing to be done, we have some problems. In the short 6 months between checkups, I have developed decay along the gum line of almost every tooth. Six of them have to be drilled and filled immediately to avoid losing them. The others we are going to try to save by doing overnight fluoride soaks.
He said this decay is due purely to the chemo I am taking right now, and there is nothing I could have done to avoid it. It is not a hygiene issue; it is coming from the inside out, not the outside in. All of the decay is at the gum line and you can even see it with the naked eye. I have a sort of brown line along the bottom of each tooth. Below that line you can feel that there is no enamel. Also my teeth are weakening. I have a vertical crack in my right top front tooth, and two other teeth have been chipped as well. All this happened in the last 6 months.
I am having a pretty hard time dealing with this side effect. I have always had perfect teeth, and have had a huge fear of losing them. I have nightmares all the time of them falling out. So now even cosmetically the Cancer is having an impact on me. The fillings are going to be visible, and if I start having to have teeth pulled, I am going to go nuts.
This is infuriating, that to fight my disease it hurts so many other things in my system. On a large scale, it is keeping me alive, and that is the objective, I know. But it still just pisses me off to have this happening now.
I already look like a freak enough; I will lose all chances at someone mistaking me for normal if my teeth go to hell. My skin and bones body, with scars, and pocked with scabs from itching, is hideous enough. Add to that the fact that I have to walk hunched over half the time, have black circles around my eyes, and move like a slug; take the teeth out of the picture, and I will look like the frigging Elephant Man. I already do not know how Cindy can stand to look at me. I walk by the mirror and am still shocked at how bad I look each time. I guess that is something you never get used to.
So I tried to get the dentist thing scheduled, but the Cancer Center people overrode it and said I could not have anything like this done to my mouth until my white count comes up to an acceptable level. Your mouth is the biggest breeding ground for germs and bacteria in your body. You become very susceptible to infections or other sicknesses, because of exposure of the mouth from dental work. With an incredibly low immune system this could have catastrophic results for me. So I have to wait to get the green light from the Doctors.
In the meantime my teeth are getting worse every day. I have to get this done quickly; the dentist said time was a major concern here for these six worst teeth. Right now I have the appointment scheduled for Thursday the 15th. By then my levels should be good. That will be five full weeks off of Chemo. Now the dental work will be holding back the Chemo treatments, which are time sensitive as well. The last time I did not have treatment for awhile the tumors grew like weeds.
So the week of having this done will make it six weeks off, then we will start in week seven. We are normally on a four week cycle, so this is a walk on the wild side too, putting off Chemo for so long. Both of them have to get done, there is just not enough time.
I hope to get the go ahead for the 15th from the Docs. If it is later than that I will have to make a hard choice and possibly do the Chemo round again and wait another 4 to 5 weeks to be able to do the dental work. By then it may be too late for the problem areas. All I can do is wait and see right now.
I just wanted to let you all know about the 5 year milestone. So be happy for me and help me celebrate my 5 year birthday of my second shot at life.
Happy Birthday to Me!!!
Love you all.
Spay and Neuter those pets, they will still love you afterwards, I promise.
Bye for now, from the five year old brat,
Greg
That means that by still being able to witness the sunrise each day I am in the top 4% of patients. Makes me feel pretty lucky, hell I am lucky for sure. The fact that I came out of that surgery and actually woke up again, is a miracle in and of itself. Each day since then has been a gift and a blessing, though sometimes it feels like a curse.
I will never forget the feeling going into that surgery. I had made my peace with God, had a chance to see all my family once again and tell them how much I loved them. There are not many death scenarios do you get the opportunity to do that. If you get hit by a bus, you cant tell the bus to, “hold on while I make a few quick phone calls before you run me over, I need to tell my wife, family and friends I love them and how much they have meant to me”.
Having done all that and getting my mind right to accept the fact that I very well might never have another conscious thought after they start the Demerol drip, was a almost peaceful feeling. I was sad, but prepared, and gave myself a 50/50 chance of coming out of it, but I was ready and willing to accept any outcome. I did not say to anyone that I was honestly thinking 50/50, to help them not be scared I of course said I have 100% confidence of coming out OK, and I will see you in a few hours.
I guess I could try to explain it all day, but if you have never faced something like this you wont get it. Anyway long story short I was as ready as anyone can be to die. Pretty morbid, but that was the long and short of it.
Another thing I was grateful for was that I had the time to make sure Cindy knew what to do with all the life insurance stuff and had a chance to make out a will. I would urge each of you to get those types of things organized and prepared for the loved ones you will leave behind. I know it is hard to think about, but getting all those ducks in a row by asking yourself what she would do if I went today, will help out the survivors tremendously. Just take the time and do it. Go over it with your significant other or your kids, or your parents, whoever is going to be impacted most by your departure.
Then both of you can rest a little easier, knowing that you are not going to leave this person with the task of having to figure it all out alone, while trying to deal with the grieving process.
I want Cindy to have nothing to do but make a phone call or two to get the ball rolling on all these issues. They need to know all account numbers, passwords, bank accounts, investment accounts, insurance policies, agents’ names and numbers, all that business stuff. I am even going to coordinate as much of the funeral arrangements as possible in advance. So all she has to do is make one call and everything is already decided, they just make it happen. Then she can worry about herself, and not become a business manager the day her husband dies. That is just too much strain on a person.
Enough of my sagely advice, most of you are not going to take it anyway, but you will wish you had, on to the medical update.
The biggest news I have now is actually coming from my Dentist. After 15 years of going to him and have nothing but stellar checkups, no fillings or anything needing to be done, we have some problems. In the short 6 months between checkups, I have developed decay along the gum line of almost every tooth. Six of them have to be drilled and filled immediately to avoid losing them. The others we are going to try to save by doing overnight fluoride soaks.
He said this decay is due purely to the chemo I am taking right now, and there is nothing I could have done to avoid it. It is not a hygiene issue; it is coming from the inside out, not the outside in. All of the decay is at the gum line and you can even see it with the naked eye. I have a sort of brown line along the bottom of each tooth. Below that line you can feel that there is no enamel. Also my teeth are weakening. I have a vertical crack in my right top front tooth, and two other teeth have been chipped as well. All this happened in the last 6 months.
I am having a pretty hard time dealing with this side effect. I have always had perfect teeth, and have had a huge fear of losing them. I have nightmares all the time of them falling out. So now even cosmetically the Cancer is having an impact on me. The fillings are going to be visible, and if I start having to have teeth pulled, I am going to go nuts.
This is infuriating, that to fight my disease it hurts so many other things in my system. On a large scale, it is keeping me alive, and that is the objective, I know. But it still just pisses me off to have this happening now.
I already look like a freak enough; I will lose all chances at someone mistaking me for normal if my teeth go to hell. My skin and bones body, with scars, and pocked with scabs from itching, is hideous enough. Add to that the fact that I have to walk hunched over half the time, have black circles around my eyes, and move like a slug; take the teeth out of the picture, and I will look like the frigging Elephant Man. I already do not know how Cindy can stand to look at me. I walk by the mirror and am still shocked at how bad I look each time. I guess that is something you never get used to.
So I tried to get the dentist thing scheduled, but the Cancer Center people overrode it and said I could not have anything like this done to my mouth until my white count comes up to an acceptable level. Your mouth is the biggest breeding ground for germs and bacteria in your body. You become very susceptible to infections or other sicknesses, because of exposure of the mouth from dental work. With an incredibly low immune system this could have catastrophic results for me. So I have to wait to get the green light from the Doctors.
In the meantime my teeth are getting worse every day. I have to get this done quickly; the dentist said time was a major concern here for these six worst teeth. Right now I have the appointment scheduled for Thursday the 15th. By then my levels should be good. That will be five full weeks off of Chemo. Now the dental work will be holding back the Chemo treatments, which are time sensitive as well. The last time I did not have treatment for awhile the tumors grew like weeds.
So the week of having this done will make it six weeks off, then we will start in week seven. We are normally on a four week cycle, so this is a walk on the wild side too, putting off Chemo for so long. Both of them have to get done, there is just not enough time.
I hope to get the go ahead for the 15th from the Docs. If it is later than that I will have to make a hard choice and possibly do the Chemo round again and wait another 4 to 5 weeks to be able to do the dental work. By then it may be too late for the problem areas. All I can do is wait and see right now.
I just wanted to let you all know about the 5 year milestone. So be happy for me and help me celebrate my 5 year birthday of my second shot at life.
Happy Birthday to Me!!!
Love you all.
Spay and Neuter those pets, they will still love you afterwards, I promise.
Bye for now, from the five year old brat,
Greg
posted by Greg at
1:05 AM
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