Round 2 of Act 2 Chemo, Continued.

I take back all the good things I said about this medicine regimen in previous postings.
This one is absolutely kicking my ass this week.
Coming home tonight at 6 from the session, I don't think I have ever been in so much pain.
Cindy was driving and by the time we were halfway up I-26 I was without a seat belt, squatting in the passenger seat with my feet on the seat and my legs underneath me leaning forward holding onto the ceiling handle. It was the most comfortable spot I could find. And even then I was literally howling in pain every 60 seconds or so and having to hold my breath for 30 second intervals.
I went straight upstairs to soak in the bath when we got home and never came back down again. Went to bed and writhed in pain there as well. Took all the pain medicine I could and even sleeping pills. Obviously things are still not quite acceptable as I am writing this at 2AM.
Anyway please pray for me, I am really going through the shit this week.
I cant imagine that I have 2 more days of this, I think it really might kill me. The swelling has continued to increase and is up to the top of my thighs now. I look like an oompa loompa from the first Willy Wonka movie, or maybe the girl that swelled up like a blueberry. It is happening in my stomach as well. Looks like I am carrying a beach ball under my shirt, but my arms are still skinny as twigs. The pressure caused by the swelling stomach is the worst of the pains I am experiencing. It is literally pushing on the other organs in my abdominal cavity.
My kidneys are taking the brunt of it. I get shooting pains in them like they are being kicked, but I have not moved or twitched, and they are not full or inflamed. It is just the pushing pressure of the stomach retaining water with no place left to expand. If I can relieve myself of any water or bowel movements or have a great series of burps the pressure slightly recedes and my kidneys get a break for a few mins until the pressure builds up again. (sorry to get graphic) It is a constant battle to just keep from having to scream in pain.
Funny thing is, (not that funny) this is just a stupid side effect of the dumb medicine that I have to take, to attempt to do some good against the major problem I am fighting. I sometimes feel like I am losing ground. This battle is bigger than I am. There are layers upon layers of problems to fight through. Everyday tasks such as stairs or getting dressed have become MAJOR challenges that leave me breathless and in need of a nap after completion. Thinking of doing any kind of chore, or just going to the store is a completely impossible task right now. A first grader could strong arm rob me and I would have no defense. I feel so helpless and weak and USELESS.
My mind is still there and churning and thinking and plotting possible moves at work and wanting to do house work and thinking of Christmas presents I need to get, but I cannot carry any of that out. I kind of wish they would slap me with a stupid pill or something to turn my mind down as my body goes down. Then when I a feeling better I could stop taking it and have my sharp senses again.
Concerning the pain, I try to put on the strongest face possible when around people so that they are not exposed to the darker side of this, but when they leave the room, I grimace or gasp or pant for breath or have to lean over with my hands on my knees and rest, or sit immediately or lay down or whatever. It is like holding in your stomach at the beach when a pretty girl walks by, and as soon as her back is turned releasing your gut.
I do that all day when around anyone but Cindy, who I have just about given up hiding anything from. If you ever see an outward visual indication that I am not doing good, multiply that by the factor of how much you think I can fake. If I can't hide it from you, it is really bad right then. That is why it is always strange to hear people at work say, "boy you are looking good today", or "well, you look healthy". It is a double edged sword to hear that. I am glad I can look good for them, but then again when I have to go home so much do they think I am faking, because I sure looked fine to them?
Sorry to go on, but this is what goes through my head at 2AM when I am feeling shitty.
Of course all of you know I am here to help you in anyway I can, I just do not have as many talents as I used to, like being able to come to your house and fix something. But I am always here to listen and offer any advice I can on any topic. It is the least I can do to return your kindness, and as you know I honestly love helping people, I find it very rewarding. It is something I really miss being able to do in this condition, and I am afraid that people do not want to bother me with their problems out of respect for what I am dealing with.
I just hope to have some long run improvement soon, if there is nothing good coming from all this pain it will be quite an emotional blow, not to mention a big step towards that final IRS audit in the sky. I am going to have to face that possibility more an more seriously if this regimen of medicine does not work. We are running out of options pretty quickly on treatment and cure. Lets jump off that bridge when we come to it. Right now I have to focus on the small battles, day to day. If I win all the small ones, I have to win the war right? That is what I keep telling myself anyway.

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Even if you think I should know it is you, from what you said, but sometimes I really cannot tell.

Stay Safe.
Love,
Greg